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Cold Cuts

by Ben Lazarus

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  • Digital Album
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    In addition to the 20 songs, when purchased you'll get the music videos for "Nuts in Space" and "Hamster".
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    Get all 19 Ben Lazarus releases available on Bandcamp and save 20%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of My Mood Is, Cold Cuts, Hamster, Got Me Wondering, Nuts In Space, The Cost of Christmas, Outrun the Truth, Methadone, and 11 more. , and , .

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1.
............. LYRICS: Sticks and stones Sticks and stones Sticks and stones Break my bones Words will never hurt me, hurt me Sticks and stones Sticks and stones Sticks and stones Break my bones Words will never hurt me, hurt me Sticks and stones Sticks and stones Sticks and stones Break my bones Words will never hurt me, hurt me, Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me
2.
............. LYRICS: Do they float? Do they sink? Do they sweat? Do they shrink? When the rocket’s going slower is the left one lower? Do they itch? Do they wiggle? When you scratch them do they jiggle? Nuts in space, nuts in space Nuts in space, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the nuts in space Hello, my name is Ben Lazarus No I didn’t get these animals at Toys R Us They like to breakdance, smoke blunts and cuddle And talk about what balls do on the space shuttle I paid fifty cents for these three at Savers And that’s why they got the naughty flavor Nuts in space, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the nuts in space My name is Disco and I’m a Walrus You step to me, I’ll get loc with all yas Hey I’m Josh and I’m an elephant I bust my DJ skills to pay the rent Yo my name is Boston and I’m a hedgehog Not to be confused with a ferret or a dog Nuts in space, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the nuts in space Nuts in space, we’re talkin’ ‘bout the nuts in space Aw yeah Ben Lazarus and the naughty animals in the house 2003 nugget studios Copyright 2003 all rights reserved
3.
............. LYRICS: I wrote this song on your wedding day To sing the things that I’d like to say Wishing you a life of happiness, side by side Wishing you a life of happiness, enjoy the ride Wishing you a life, wishing you a life I am wishing you a life of happiness I want to write more, make this funny and cute But I got to get home and put on my suit So I wish you a life of happiness, side by side Wishing you a life of happiness, enjoy the ride Wishing you a life, wishing you life I am wishing you a life of happines
4.
Hamster 03:11
............. LYRICS: Imagine that you are just five inches long Stand only two inches tall and weigh only a few ounces The hamster is a member of the rodent order mammals In the vast sea of species that comprise the animal kingdom Hamsters reach sexual maturity within a few weeks after birth And if left to their own devices, rodents begin reproducing right away Another characteristic that hamsters have Is two large glands on each side of their body Close to the position of their hips (thanks) When the hamster awakens full of energy And ready to play in the afternoon or early evening Make sure he has toys and food to enjoy Just like humans, hamsters are susceptible to colds And can actually catch a cold from you A good preventative measure is to keep your hamster away from- Do the hamster, the hamsters Do the hamster, the hamsters, the hamsters For all practical purposes, the pet hamster has no tail Instead, he has a short tapered stub that contributes To the compact, cylindrical shape of the hamster’s physique Signs of a healthy hamster: bright lively eyes, clean erect ears Well-formed and trimmed incisors, hearty appetite Barrel-shaped physique and an alert expression Hamsters are famous for their puffy cheek pouches The holding capacity of the pouches is such that they Double the size of the hamster’s head when they fill completely Take your time in interacting with your new hamster Even if she seems ready for play, introduce yourself gradually You will both benefit in the long run The hamster has consistently been voted The most popular small pet of the nineteen nineties Hail satan, prince of darkness
5.
Headless Boy 02:03
............. LYRICS: This is a song (check check check check) About a boy with no head Headless boy (headless boy) You have no head (you have no head) There is no pillow on your bed Headless boy, you have no head You should be dead, headless boy No noggin to enjoy (no noggin to enjoy) The pleasures of looking at the nudie magazines Cannot sip a beer Or twirl a Q-Tip in your ear Headless Boy, headless boy You have no head, you should be dead Headless Boy, you have no head No pillow on your bed You’re a headless boy You can’t smell a rose Or pick boogers from your nose Cannot rub your eyes Or check out your big fat thighs Headless boy, headless boy You have no head, you should be dead There is no pillow on your bed Headless Boy Your outfits never match You can’t play shuffleboard or foosball or catch He-headless boy I love you
6.
Woobacrat 02:16
............. LYRICS: It creeps across the darkened street to settle in its dusty little den It forages for food but if it’s hungry it can eat a Hare Krishna Watch out, beware, or you might be the victim of a woobacrat, a woobacrat It seeks out prey with deadly ease with a small antenna placed upon its rump It slinks though trash with stealthy ease, on tiny paws and little rabbit feet Watch out, beware, or you might be the victim of a woobacrat, a woobacrat You’ll know it by its lonesome call, it utters “flup” into the night It lurks in sewers with the rats and shows no mercy to them or the cats Watch out, beware, or you might be the victim of a woobacrat, a woobacrat It might tear you from limb to limb or leave you in a pile of oily rags It could dice you into kibble and scatter your remains in a public restroom So watch out, beware, or you might be the victim of a woobacrat, a woobacrat If you see one in the streets, get a dolphin’s tongue or run for your life For nothing scares a woobacrat except for a dolphin’s tongue Watch out, beware, or you might be the victim of a woobacrat, a woobacrat
7.
............. LYRICS: This is a birthday song An eighteenth birthday song A lesbian eighteenth birthday song Jenny’s lesbian eighteenth birthday song (get ready, it’s your birthday) You’re eighteen now, that’s pretty cool (your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday) Now you can buy lotto tickets and pornography (your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday) When you’re eighteen you can buy cigarettes (your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday) Or call up psychic friends and vote for the next president (your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday) This is Jenny’s song, it’s not your song Don’t touch Jenny’s song, or I’ll kick your ass (it’s your birthday) You’re eighteen now, you can clear your own absences (your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday) Or you can go to Canada (your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday) But why would you wanna go to Canada? (I don’t know) When I’m eighteen I’ll go to the adult book store (your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday) But it’s one more year, so could you hook it up? (your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday, your birthday) This is a test, a test of the birthday song (that’s all) If this were a real birthday This song would be followed by instructions (do not be alarmed) Happy birthday Jenny The sexiest lesbian of all
8.
Transforming 01:39
9.
............. LYRICS: Satan drives a truck Satan drives a truck Satan drives a truck Satan drives a truck Satan drives a truck Satan drives a truck I believe Satan drives a truck Satan drives a truck (He does)
10.
............. LYRICS: Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian birthday song, part two Lesbian, lesbian birthday song, for you Sending you this Mp3 with the click of a mouse Lesbians, lesbians, lesbians rockin’ the house When you turned 25 it was cheaper to rent a car When you turn 26 you take a cab down to the bar In nine more years you can run for president A lesbian president might be called the lesbident Lesbian, lesbian, lesbian birthday song, part two Lesbian, lesbian birthday song, for you Sending you this Mp3 with the click of a mouse Lesbians, lesbians, lesbians rockin’ the house
11.
12.
............. LYRICS: Food, delicious creamy sweets Food, the kind I like to eat Food, delicious creamy sweets Food, the kind I like to eat Ahhhh, ahhh Ahhhh, ahhh Ahhhh, ahhh Food, delicious creamy sweets Food, the kind I like to eat Food, delicious creamy sweets Food, the kind I like to eat Ahhhh, ahhh Ahhhh, ahhh Ahhhh, ahhh Food, delicious creamy sweets Food, the kind I like to eat Food, delicious creamy sweets Food, the kind I like to eat Ahhhh, ahhh Ahhhh, ahhh Ahhhh, ahhh Food (yummy yummy) Delicious creamy sweets (Uh huh) Food (yummy yummy) The kind I like to eat (That’s right) Food (yummy yummy) Delicious creamy sweets (Uh huh) Food (yummy yummy) The kind I like to eat (That’s right) Ahhhh, ahhh Ahhhh, ahhh Ahhhh, ahhh Food (yummy yummy) Delicious creamy sweets (Uh huh) Food (yummy yummy) The kind I like to eat (That’s right) Food (yummy yummy) Delicious creamy sweets (Uh huh) Food (yummy yummy) The kind I like to eat (That’s right)
13.
............. LYRICS: Andrew, happy birthday Andrew, have a good day ‘Cause it’s your birthday Have a good day, ‘cause it’s your birthday Andrew, happy birthday Andrew, have a good day ‘Cause it’s your birthday Have a good day, ‘cause it’s your birthday
14.
Diamonds 01:40
15.
............. LYRICS: Weezer on this cut Yeah, I like to skateboard I like to skateboard with my dog I like to skateboard with my dog I like to skateboard with my dog I like to skateboard with my dog I like to skateboard with my dog Yeah Bum bum bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum Bum bum bum bum bum bum Ham and cheese I like to skateboard with my dog I like to skateboard with my dog Mm hmm, I like to skateboard with my dog Yo, Misha get on the cut! Yo, yo yo (unintelligible) Waaaahh
16.
Preboning 03:05
17.
18.
Seth 01:53
............. LYRICS: There’s this guy I know He’s real special to me His name is Seth and he’s six foot three So this is for you Seth If aliens abducted Seth and made a sandwich out of him They would save his testicles to create a superhuman race Seth is endowed with an enormous penis That bounces between his ankles when he walks If Seth were president He would wear a g-string with stars and stripes on it If he got in a fight with Colonel Sanders There would be hell to pay If Seth were an ice cream flavor Ben and Jerry would hide him from the public to prevent mass hysteria If Seth drove a truck It would have many bells and whistles I enjoy Seth over breakfast cereal And with my coffee in the morning But don’t just listen to me Listen to what these satisfied customers have to say Seth balanced my checkbook And got rid of that ugly semen stain on the couch I first heard about Seth on the internet, I’m hooked Who’s Seth? Seth fathered three of my children
19.
Bobcat Sleep 02:19
............. LYRICS: Random gibberish from a self help tape and a standup comedian.
20.
............. LYRICS: Ahhhhhhhh Hey boo boo Do they float? Do they sink? Do they sweat? Do they shrink? When the rocket’s going slower is the left one lower? Do they itch? Do they wiggle? When you scratch them do they jiggle? Nuts in space (space, space, space) Nuts in space (space, space, space) Nuts in space Nuts in space, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the nuts in space Comin’ at you from the 4-track studio My mind is moving fast when the beat is slow After about a gallon of coffee I feel like flowing and I can’t flow but I don’t care because I’m a white boy and I like to drink a lot of coffee, woooo, man I tell ya Oooooh ahhhhhhh wammachikka Nuts in space, nuts in space Nuts in space, I’m talkin’ ‘bout the sunny day Sweeping the clouds away from my brain As I get up and brew the coffee and Get back here to do some rhymes and It don’t rhyme but that don’t matter Cause I’m flowin’ and it’s ok For government purposes this will be just fine Ahhhhhhhh I feel like an operatic singer ahhhhh And now it’s time for the beep box from my man Mikey

about

.............
ABOUT:

An eclectic collection of cassette era demos salvaged from dusty spindles of CD-R’s and clunky old hard drives. Many of these quirky tracks were recorded while Ben was in high school in the 1990’s.

credits

released November 11, 2022

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SPOTIFY

Stream ALL Ben Lazarus music on Spotify: open.spotify.com/artist/5zlNNutCANfivGZKE5Lxgx?si=RNPiowUXQ3Wr_-Q-9I0bwA

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CREDITS

Written & Produced by: Ben Lazarus
Mastering Engineer: Greg Francis
Mixing Engineer: Ben Lazarus
Executive Producer: Andrew Napier
Released by: Napier Records

© 2021 Napier Records

www.NapierRecords.com
www.BenLazarus.com
www.AndrewNapier.com

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about

Ben Lazarus Los Angeles, California

Ben Lazarus is a Los Angeles based singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist. His songs are short, sweet, strangely honest and honestly strange. Lazarus is signed to Napier Records, a label founded by Academy award-winning filmmaker Andrew Napier.

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